Under året har jag sakta, men säkert, kommit fram till en insikt. En insikt jag aldrig någonsin trodde att jag skulle kunna komma till insikt med och en insikt som skrämmer mig in i benmärgen då jag inte vet vad jag ska göra åt det.
Jag har konstaterat, efter mycket själsvånda, att jag inte längre kan säga att jag älskar IT eller ens för den delen datorer. Jag kan inte ens med ett riktigt ansikte ens säga att jag ö.h.t. får någon sorts njutning av att lära mig nya saker inom IT.
Vad är jag, om inte datornörd, vad är jag om inte IT-intresserad och den som alltid har och alltid haft ett brinnande intresse för allt vad datorer, it och teknik innebär.
Jag lär ut IT dagarna i ända och har gjort så i många år nu, någonstans under den perioden så dog mitt intresse. Det är inte förvisso inte första gången jag känner så här, med jämna mellanrum kommer känslan att IT absolut inte är något jag är intresserad av.
Tyvärr passerar känslan oftast men kommer alltid tillbaka starkare än någonsin ett eller några år senare. Och nu har den kommit fram med full makt. Vad finns det inom IT som är intressant idag? Inget enligt mig, inget alls.
Att stå och engagera, involvera och utbilda inom IT när man själv bara har ett vagt intresse av att kanske kika på några hemsidor och läsa lite nyheter om dagarna känns inte helt kompatibelt. Jag började känna denna känsla när jag för en dryg månad sedan skulle läsa en kurs inom Windows Server 2016 och insåg att jag egentligen hade noll intresse av att lära mig ”skiten”.
Så, insikten att IT inte längre är mitt kall, att det inte längre är mitt största intresse, leder mig också till nästa insikt: Jag är nu helt och hållet riktningslös
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Jag har också ett jobb, där jag jobbar inom något som jag egentligen har ett väldigt vagt intresse av just nu.
Jag är intresserad av odling, jag har ett växthus och jag har lite annat, men detta kan ju knappast hjälpa mig med någon rimlig karriärmöjlighet.
Jag är inte helt dålig på att bygga saker och byggde ihop min egen bastustuga i sommar. Är detta något jag vill utveckla till en karrär? Nej, absolut inte.
Så, med dessa tankar och fler går jag mot det nya året, 2020, som på så många vis kommer, garanterat, bli året då Johans liv förändras på fler än ett vis, och i slutet av året får vi se vad vi har kvar, vad jag är och vad jag gör av mig och mitt liv…